A couple weeks ago I returned to the dermatologist's office where all this began. Four months ago I had walked in as a better-than-average healthy woman to get an "annoying" mole removed without the least bit of worry or concern. I remember they had called me to come in earlier than expected to get the results of the biopsy. Even if it was some type of cancer I never thought it would be life-threatening. As I sat in the chair waiting for the news I whispered the prayer, "Whatever this is, whatever they say, I know that You and I can handle this together." But when the news came, the sweet peace of trust in my God vanished and panic set in. I remember sitting there in total shock, my mouth went completely dry. I couldn't move. All I could think of was telling Jeremy and my kids that I was going to die.
Now, I went in to that same office as a cancer patient having undergone two surgeries, too many scans and blood draws to count, one dose of a crazy drug, radiation on the upcoming schedule and a newly developed education of cancer. What a difference four months makes.
I couldn't help but remember the last time I was there. Retracing the steps of the day my whole life took a dramatic turn. This time, sitting in that same chair, I stared at that same wall and prayed, "Thank you, Jesus, for being with me during these past months. I am so glad we have been through this together. You have never left me, nor forsaken me. You have given me good gifts time and time again. I trust you more today than I did four months ago. I wouldn't trade this experience for the world." What a difference four months makes.
I am grateful for all the things I have learned about myself, my faith and my God in these past four months.
I write this today to remember.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Becoming Darth Vader?
No, I am not becoming a scary, evil, ego-maniac. And I am not turning to the dark side. But I do have a mask now that will immobilize my head and neck during radiation treatments. My kids and Jeremy think this is quite fun.
Jeremy finds great humor in making light of the situation. Humor has always been his coping mechanism for tense or stressful situations. I remember getting so mad at him in the early years of our marriage especially because in the middle of a fight or an argument he would just start laughing! He told me it was because he would think about the futility of our current prediciment, have the confidence that we would move past this as well and want to ease the tense moments. A chuckle or smile would often sneak out at an inopportune moment for me, usually right at the climax of what I was saying, the most important point of my side of the conflict, of course, usually filled with great emotion on my part, he would smile at me and start laughing! It would make me sooo mad mostly because I was insecure and thought he was laughing at me. Now, many years later, I can appreciate his humor during our conflicts a little bit more. (Yes, he still does it at times.) I am also a little more secure in our relationship and in his commitment to me. And now, facing this trial, I'm actually beginning to love it.
At my most recent Moffitt appointment I had a radiology simulation. They ran me through the CT scan machine again to get some good pictures of the area to be treated. The doctor will use these pictures to make the treatment plan for my radiation. They also made me a mask. It looked kinda like a flat bust of white plastic mesh. Then they put it in some kind of warm, watery solution and it became mold-able. They put it over my face and shoulders, attached it to the table I was lying on and molded it to my face and neck. As it cooled, it hardened creating a 3D replica of my face. Kinda scary, and a lot like Darth Vader. They did the markings on this mask too, which I am grateful for so they didn't have to tattoo my face and neck :-) Now we are just waiting for the Radiologist to get that treatment plan done so we can get started. I'm hoping to hear from them this week.
Treatments should only last 15-20 min and I should be in and out of there in no time at all really. They are talking about doing an every-other-day high dose treatment for 2 weeks. With radiation completed I will go back to see my medical oncologist (Dr. K) and we will get re-scanned and started on some new drug therapy.
Yes, of course Jeremy asked them if I get to keep it when we are done and they said, "yes". What we will do with it then I do not know. Maybe if I were more creative I could make it into some really cool art deco piece...
Thank you for praying and laughing with us along the way.
Jessica
Jeremy finds great humor in making light of the situation. Humor has always been his coping mechanism for tense or stressful situations. I remember getting so mad at him in the early years of our marriage especially because in the middle of a fight or an argument he would just start laughing! He told me it was because he would think about the futility of our current prediciment, have the confidence that we would move past this as well and want to ease the tense moments. A chuckle or smile would often sneak out at an inopportune moment for me, usually right at the climax of what I was saying, the most important point of my side of the conflict, of course, usually filled with great emotion on my part, he would smile at me and start laughing! It would make me sooo mad mostly because I was insecure and thought he was laughing at me. Now, many years later, I can appreciate his humor during our conflicts a little bit more. (Yes, he still does it at times.) I am also a little more secure in our relationship and in his commitment to me. And now, facing this trial, I'm actually beginning to love it.
At my most recent Moffitt appointment I had a radiology simulation. They ran me through the CT scan machine again to get some good pictures of the area to be treated. The doctor will use these pictures to make the treatment plan for my radiation. They also made me a mask. It looked kinda like a flat bust of white plastic mesh. Then they put it in some kind of warm, watery solution and it became mold-able. They put it over my face and shoulders, attached it to the table I was lying on and molded it to my face and neck. As it cooled, it hardened creating a 3D replica of my face. Kinda scary, and a lot like Darth Vader. They did the markings on this mask too, which I am grateful for so they didn't have to tattoo my face and neck :-) Now we are just waiting for the Radiologist to get that treatment plan done so we can get started. I'm hoping to hear from them this week.
Treatments should only last 15-20 min and I should be in and out of there in no time at all really. They are talking about doing an every-other-day high dose treatment for 2 weeks. With radiation completed I will go back to see my medical oncologist (Dr. K) and we will get re-scanned and started on some new drug therapy.
Yes, of course Jeremy asked them if I get to keep it when we are done and they said, "yes". What we will do with it then I do not know. Maybe if I were more creative I could make it into some really cool art deco piece...
Thank you for praying and laughing with us along the way.
Jessica
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