Itchy. That's how I describe my state of being when Jeremy comes home every day and asks me that predictable question: "How are you?". "Itchy", I say. It's true. Since the day after surgery, I have been so. And it's been spreading. Down my back, across my chest, around to my belly, my thighs and the backs of my knees too. I thought it was an allergic reaction to anesthesia or pain medicine, but having been off both of those for over a week now they're not a likely culprit.
Ippy is though. Ippy is a drug. It was the first (& the only so far) drug they gave me as a part of the research study I was a part. It is an FDA approved treatment for people who have Stage IV disease, meaning the cancer has metastasized to a distant location in the body. In some people, the drug has been shown to shrink and even get rid of these distant tumors. The study I signed up for was designed to test if Ippy would have the same effect on people that may or may not still have cancer cells, attacking them before they show up in that other location.
I was excited to get the drug through that study. It was also free since it was for research. But since my cancer came back, I am disqualified. I only received one dose, in early December. No one knows how many doses a person really needs to kick their immune system into hyper-drive (essentially what Ippy does).
Anyway, now I've broken out in this non-relenting itchy rash, one of the side effects of the Ippy. Is it working? I don't know. I guess it's good news that my immune system is doing something. Going crazy. Hopefully learning to recognize and destroy any stray, rouge cancer cells that may remain in my body.
This has become a constant reminder of a deep work inside me, taking place where I cannot see. I can't help but think, what other work does Jesus want to do, deep in my soul, where I cannot see? What rouge remnants of my flesh given over to sin does he want to destroy? What is hidden to my eyes yet visible to his Spirit working in me as I ask him to refine me, renew my mind, and heal my body of the cancer of sin that eats away at my being and destroys my intimacy with God. As I hope to even handle this suffering in a way that honors him and bring glory to his awesomeness, I must allow for and desire his work in my spirit too- not just in my physical being. Molding me, shaping me inside and out to reflect his Kingdom.
I was asking Jeremy last night, wondering how long I will wake up in the night itching myself involuntarily. He said, "I hope for a long time." Maybe it's working, maybe it's not. Regardless, I'm itchy. And I'm not sure I want it to go away.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Healing Waters
Thank you again for your prayers and concern for me. I am sorry to be so long in updating you in this fast-paced adventure. I am recovering well from surgery. Unlike the majority of cancer patients that I see and meet, I have youth and a strong body on my side. I am bouncing back quickly; feeling stronger and more like myself every day. Jeremy and the kids are doing an amazing job caring for me. Papaya is managing the kitchen and dishes for me; Banana has done the laundry; The Boy likes to bring me food, and then asks if he can share it; Fez likes me to send him on small missions where he can quickly accomplish small things for me. Jeremy is very attune to my needs. He wants to help and even anticipate anything that may cause me stress and preemptively take it off my plate. That leaves him spinning many oddly shaped and patterned and mismatched plates himself. I hope to be well enough soon to take back some of the extra he has taken on. I'm looking forward to returning to the world of driving adults this weekend. Our wonderful community of family and friends has supplied us with meals, kid-care, rides and gift cards that make day to day life easier to manage for a lame mom. I'm pretty sure the kids ate better last week while I was in the hospital than they usually do. And it is such a treat for them to get to spend extra time with Grandparents and friends. I am truely grateful for the care of the Father that is manifest in so many who surround us in this trial.
Things are moving along quickly in the cancer world as well. I saw the surgeon yesterday who removed all bandages, stitches and that horrible drain. I promise that thing was causing me more discomfort that the incisions. I am feeling so much better now that I am free from all that excess; I'm even off all the pain meds. The pathology from the hospital said there were 4 nodes affected by the cancer this time, the largest of which, the one I felt, was 4.2cm. Quite large to have grown in just a little over a month. One of the nodes was on top of a part of a nerve to my shoulder. He cut out a part of that nerve. Time will tell how the movement in my left arm will return. I can already lift my elbow to shoulder height and touch my head. I can live with that. But he is not optimistic, rather realistic, saying this is an aggressive cancer and the prognosis is not good. But we already knew that. I know it is a part of his job to give us the facts so we thank him kindly and go on trusting that Jesus holds all things in his hands...no cancer is more powerful than He.
They are recommending that I do a few weeks of radiation therapy this time as soon as I am healed enough. I will meet the radiologist on Tuesday to see what he recommends and find out more about what this new treatment entails. After that there will be another drug therapy of sorts that they are working on getting me signed up for. I believe it is another clinical trial. They are hopeful.
Before surgery, everything was so rushed. The shock of finding out it had some back so quickly, getting to this place and that, waiting impatiently for results and anxious to get this cancer cut out of me, praying for miracle after miracle. Now, I feel very relaxed. I still want to move things along at a high speed (I would begin radiation this week if they would let me, and Jeremy will not let them dilly-dally), but I feel content, peaceful. Because surgery requires rest to achieve intended health and healing, I am allowing myself more time to sit, reflect, worship and pray. Every time I pray I see this image of Jesus smiling at me. And there is overwhelming joy that I cannot contain. Smiles in the midst of tears. I think he is telling me again and again that he is pleased with me and that we are right where he wants us to be. He has not forgotten us. I am overwhelmed with his presence, getting small glimpses of his eternal perspective of my life and this trial. It's all I can do to just smile, cry and immerse myself in the deep waters of his healing love. It is so calming and hopeful. I am blessed to have the time to wade around and soak up all of the goodness. An old hymn I used to sing in my parent's church as a kid and recently heard again has been rolling my mind today. I leave it with you as a picture of His love and how I am drowning in it with joy.
"O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!"
Things are moving along quickly in the cancer world as well. I saw the surgeon yesterday who removed all bandages, stitches and that horrible drain. I promise that thing was causing me more discomfort that the incisions. I am feeling so much better now that I am free from all that excess; I'm even off all the pain meds. The pathology from the hospital said there were 4 nodes affected by the cancer this time, the largest of which, the one I felt, was 4.2cm. Quite large to have grown in just a little over a month. One of the nodes was on top of a part of a nerve to my shoulder. He cut out a part of that nerve. Time will tell how the movement in my left arm will return. I can already lift my elbow to shoulder height and touch my head. I can live with that. But he is not optimistic, rather realistic, saying this is an aggressive cancer and the prognosis is not good. But we already knew that. I know it is a part of his job to give us the facts so we thank him kindly and go on trusting that Jesus holds all things in his hands...no cancer is more powerful than He.
They are recommending that I do a few weeks of radiation therapy this time as soon as I am healed enough. I will meet the radiologist on Tuesday to see what he recommends and find out more about what this new treatment entails. After that there will be another drug therapy of sorts that they are working on getting me signed up for. I believe it is another clinical trial. They are hopeful.
Before surgery, everything was so rushed. The shock of finding out it had some back so quickly, getting to this place and that, waiting impatiently for results and anxious to get this cancer cut out of me, praying for miracle after miracle. Now, I feel very relaxed. I still want to move things along at a high speed (I would begin radiation this week if they would let me, and Jeremy will not let them dilly-dally), but I feel content, peaceful. Because surgery requires rest to achieve intended health and healing, I am allowing myself more time to sit, reflect, worship and pray. Every time I pray I see this image of Jesus smiling at me. And there is overwhelming joy that I cannot contain. Smiles in the midst of tears. I think he is telling me again and again that he is pleased with me and that we are right where he wants us to be. He has not forgotten us. I am overwhelmed with his presence, getting small glimpses of his eternal perspective of my life and this trial. It's all I can do to just smile, cry and immerse myself in the deep waters of his healing love. It is so calming and hopeful. I am blessed to have the time to wade around and soak up all of the goodness. An old hymn I used to sing in my parent's church as a kid and recently heard again has been rolling my mind today. I leave it with you as a picture of His love and how I am drowning in it with joy.
"O the deep, deep love of Jesus, vast, unmeasured, boundless, free!
Rolling as a mighty ocean in its fullness over me!
Underneath me, all around me, is the current of Thy love
Leading onward, leading homeward to Thy glorious rest above!"
Thursday, January 5, 2012
God Provides
I am in awe. God is mighty and powerful.
The cancer in the lymph nodes of my neck is aggressive and strong. The doctors are surprised it is back so soon and is already so large. But my God is stronger and He is not surprised.
We prayed for an earlier appointment with the surgeon; we were given an appointment a week earlier.
We asked for a surgery date for next week even though we were told that some people wait for a month; I am scheduled for Tuesday.
We need to get a certain scan before surgery is preformed, we were told everything is booked til next Thursday; I am going in tomorrow for that scan.
I am ecstatic. We have asked Him for these good gifts and he has heard our prayers. It reaffirms my knowledge that God is in this whole situation. That he sees small, little me with my cancer. He hears my cries for mercy and for his help and he answers. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who has just been given the best gift EVER. There are so many problems in the world, so many people crying out to him, why me, O God? Why have you chosen to answer my cry? Your grace is indescribable.
I am grateful. Grateful to be known by the Creator. Grateful to be known by so many who are also his children. Grateful to be at peace in this place that he has brought me to today. He is good.
I will go for that scan tomorrow. They will be rechecking the right side of my neck. We are praying and are hopeful there will be no sign of cancer. They will also be looking at my liver. There may be a small abnormality there. That is fine as long as it is not cancerous. We are praying for mercy again from our Provider.
My faith is strong. My peace is real. My foundation is secure. The one who hears will sustain us through this trial. He is in this. He sees. He answers prayer. Thank you, Mighty One. My life is yours.
The cancer in the lymph nodes of my neck is aggressive and strong. The doctors are surprised it is back so soon and is already so large. But my God is stronger and He is not surprised.
We prayed for an earlier appointment with the surgeon; we were given an appointment a week earlier.
We asked for a surgery date for next week even though we were told that some people wait for a month; I am scheduled for Tuesday.
We need to get a certain scan before surgery is preformed, we were told everything is booked til next Thursday; I am going in tomorrow for that scan.
I am ecstatic. We have asked Him for these good gifts and he has heard our prayers. It reaffirms my knowledge that God is in this whole situation. That he sees small, little me with my cancer. He hears my cries for mercy and for his help and he answers. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who has just been given the best gift EVER. There are so many problems in the world, so many people crying out to him, why me, O God? Why have you chosen to answer my cry? Your grace is indescribable.
I am grateful. Grateful to be known by the Creator. Grateful to be known by so many who are also his children. Grateful to be at peace in this place that he has brought me to today. He is good.
I will go for that scan tomorrow. They will be rechecking the right side of my neck. We are praying and are hopeful there will be no sign of cancer. They will also be looking at my liver. There may be a small abnormality there. That is fine as long as it is not cancerous. We are praying for mercy again from our Provider.
My faith is strong. My peace is real. My foundation is secure. The one who hears will sustain us through this trial. He is in this. He sees. He answers prayer. Thank you, Mighty One. My life is yours.
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