Second Treatment

Today it is off to Moffitt for my second drug infusion. Last time was relatively painless and I have not experienced any side effects so far.  So really I have no reason to worry, right?  But I do.  However, I worry about what might be, not what is reality.

Every time I walk into a doctor's appointment there is the chance that they will tell me that something more is wrong.  More bad news. When I was first diagnosed in October, it was like that. As went travelled from doctor to doctor, from test to scan to procedure it felt like at every turn there was more bad news...

I knew nothing about melanoma before this.  (I also learned that you are supposed to have a yearly skin exam done by a dermatologist.  Who knew? Get your skin checked people!) So every appointment was an educational experience.  But when you are sitting there with stage 3 and they are educating you about how aggressive and tricky this disease can be, how limited the treatment options are, it feels like bad news...each piece of info felt overwhelming and suffocating.

I don't like bad news.  No one does, I guess. But I'd prefer to avoid pain and suffering if possible.  I'd rather avoid the knowledge of bad news if it means that I could aviod the pain of it.  I'd rather fix the problem personally than cause those around me the pain of change or discomfort.

So, as I head into another one of those appointments it feels like another opportunity for the professionals to tell me more things are wrong, something is not working like it should be, whatever.  While it causes a bit of nervousness in the pit of my stomach, I will be determined to smile, put on a brave face and trust Jesus.  I know he is trust-worthy in all ways.

I hope that one day I will get to a place where my character is transformed and I don't even feel the nervousness- that my faith and trust will carry me above the worry and fear.

"Which of you by worrying can add a day to your life?" -Jesus